we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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