i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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