i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
