sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
