I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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