Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize