I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
