I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
