A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you still have your period?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
