all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
