4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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