tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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