I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
