I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
