he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
