You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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