member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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