she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
