Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
