just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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