I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize