I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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