Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
