Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
