you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
