Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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