i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
