My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
