I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
