In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
