You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
