My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
