what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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