that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
