Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
