can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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