In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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