I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
