If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
