There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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