would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
