Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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