I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He shit in the fireplace
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
