I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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