If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
