I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
