her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
