This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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