Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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