Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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