I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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