I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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