Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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