found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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