matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Who died my cat blue again?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
