I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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