I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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